To have and to hold: When NOT to get married- Part 2

In case you missed part 1, here it is: To have and to hold: When NOT to get married -Part 1

Now, the disclaimers from Part1 still apply..Here they are:

Disclaimer 1: The points here are written with ladies in mind because it’s hard to keep saying he/she. Gentlemen, please don’t sweat it Kindly read on and see how it applies to you.

Disclaimer 2: I want to say categorically that you cannot change someone. Change is from within – they only change when and because they want to! The way he treats you now is most likely how he will treat when you are married so quit making excuses for him and laying down strategies on how to make him a better person.

Here are a few more things to look into:wedding

Maturity – His and yours

Marriage is a huge step in life and requires sober thinking. There is a reason why even the law says you can’t get married when you’re below 18 years.  There is a lot of heavy stuff involved in marriage – investments, children, in-laws…

Sometimes I look at my mum and I’m amazed at the things she has gone through, she has given up her career for her children, she has raised 5 well-disciplined (read seriously spanked)kids and at some point (over 10 years ago), she lost the man she loved. Now, that is tough. How about your mum, what has she done for you, what has she had to give up for her family? Are you ready for that?

As you think about marriage, see it in all perspectives, see past the honeymoon. In the not so distant future you will be thinking of mortgages, school fees, PTA meetings, teenage tantrums and so many other things. Can you handle it?

His character

Take a good unbiased look at your man’s character. How does he treat others? How does he behave when he’s angry? Look it into this carefully because that is how he will treat you soon-when the chemistry wears off and he’s not so smitten with you. If he hits people, regardless of how much he justifies it, one day you will be on the receiving end. Is he a person of integrity especially where money is involved? Does he lie to others and even to you ease?

Again, I plead with you to look into the future. If he cannot be trusted with little money, what will you do when he spends Ksh. 50,000 meant for school fees on something he can’t explain? He will not only be your husband, he will be the father to your children. Would you be proud to have your children take after him? Would you willing pass his qualities to another generation? If the answer is no, then don’t get married to him.

Let me stop there for now. Maybe we’ll revisit this topic later, who knows.

This does exhaust all the things to look into before marriage and I don’t claim to know them all. What I’d tell you is read on what others have to say about marriage – be careful though to read and listen to only what will build and add value to your life. Speak to married people you look up to and see how they work theirs out. In short, learn as much as you can.

What you learn may cause you to either stop the relationship you are in or take it to the next level. Leaving is never easy but you would rather leave now that invest the future into someone who is not worthy of your love and time.

Marriage is beautiful and amazing but like any other big decision, it is not something you stumble into. You have to deliberately think about it, prepare for it and even plan for it. I wish you the very best and I case you have questions, I’d be glad to assist wherever I can.


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