To have and to hold: When NOT to get married- Part 1

Till death do us part is a LONG time to be with someone. This is not one of those things you just jump into.  It is a decision you need to think about long and hard.  Let me say here and now that you cannot be 100% sure that you have made the right decision-you will have doubts in the course of your life. You will sometimes wonder- what if I hadn’t taken this path? However, preparing well now will help you defend your decision to yourself in the future.marriage1

Just like choosing a career path (or any other major decision), we look at all the information we have, we seek help and opinions from people we count on, we pray and then we take a leap of faith and make our decision.

Making an informed choice will definitely keep you grounded especially when (not if) the storms come and it will keep you from killing someone 🙂

Disclaimer 1: The points here are written with ladies in mind because it’s hard to keep saying he/she. Gentlemen, please don’t sweat it 🙂 Kindly read on and see how it applies to you.

Disclaimer 2: I want to say categorically that you cannot change someone. Change is from within – they only change when and because they want to! The way he treats you now is most likely how he will treat when you are married so quit making excuses for him and laying down strategies on how to make him a better person.

What is your motivation for marriage? Here is an insight on when not to get married.

You have low self-esteem:

  • If you are not happy about yourself work on that first. Be proud of what you are good at and confront your flaws. Your spouse can love you deeply but they can never compensate for how poorly you see yourself. Plus, at some point, they will get tired of always trying to validate you (it’s tiring). There is a reason it’s called ‘self’ esteem, no one else can fix it for you.
  • Poor self-esteem will keep you in a bad relationship because you feel you can’t get someone else to love you. I have seen beautiful girls in abusive relationships but unable to leave because they don’t think they deserve better.  I don’t mean just physically abusive, he flirts with other women without reserve even in your presence, speaks to you with disrespect, totally disregards anything you believe in…the list is pretty long. Come on, you deserve better.

Getting pressure from everyone:

  • ‘You two look great together’ is not a valid reason to get married regardless of how many of your friends say it. Please remember it is you who has to live with him and put up with all the not so amazing qualities you friends never seem to mention.
  • Peer pressure will never end-even after you get married, people will pressure you to buy a house, get a car, get a baby… Do things in your own time and let people’s opinions and suggestions remain just that.
  • The biological clock that never stops ticking can also be quite manipulative. I know you want a family soon but it’s also important to like that family when they finally come. Don’t let your mother, aunties and friends who constantly remind you that you are not getting any younger rush you into this major decision.Note to all married people: don’t go rubbing it into people’s faces and tactlessly asking them what is taking so long. Nudging and winking as you say it doesn’t help  🙂

Escaping from problems and unhappiness:

You may have a crazy family but marriage is not a wise way to escape from them. Try moving to a different city or even far away country. The more dysfunctional your home, the more alert you need to be to avoid repeating the mistakes of your parents.

I’ll let you think those through for today. When NOT to get married: Part 2…Coming to you soon


5 thoughts on “To have and to hold: When NOT to get married- Part 1

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