To have and to hold: When NOT to get married- Part 2

In case you missed part 1, here it is: To have and to hold: When NOT to get married -Part 1

Now, the disclaimers from Part1 still apply..Here they are:

Disclaimer 1: The points here are written with ladies in mind because it’s hard to keep saying he/she. Gentlemen, please don’t sweat it Kindly read on and see how it applies to you.

Disclaimer 2: I want to say categorically that you cannot change someone. Change is from within – they only change when and because they want to! The way he treats you now is most likely how he will treat when you are married so quit making excuses for him and laying down strategies on how to make him a better person.

Here are a few more things to look into:wedding

Maturity – His and yours

Marriage is a huge step in life and requires sober thinking. There is a reason why even the law says you can’t get married when you’re below 18 years.  There is a lot of heavy stuff involved in marriage – investments, children, in-laws…

Sometimes I look at my mum and I’m amazed at the things she has gone through, she has given up her career for her children, she has raised 5 well-disciplined (read seriously spanked)kids and at some point (over 10 years ago), she lost the man she loved. Now, that is tough. How about your mum, what has she done for you, what has she had to give up for her family? Are you ready for that?

As you think about marriage, see it in all perspectives, see past the honeymoon. In the not so distant future you will be thinking of mortgages, school fees, PTA meetings, teenage tantrums and so many other things. Can you handle it?

His character

Take a good unbiased look at your man’s character. How does he treat others? How does he behave when he’s angry? Look it into this carefully because that is how he will treat you soon-when the chemistry wears off and he’s not so smitten with you. If he hits people, regardless of how much he justifies it, one day you will be on the receiving end. Is he a person of integrity especially where money is involved? Does he lie to others and even to you ease?

Again, I plead with you to look into the future. If he cannot be trusted with little money, what will you do when he spends Ksh. 50,000 meant for school fees on something he can’t explain? He will not only be your husband, he will be the father to your children. Would you be proud to have your children take after him? Would you willing pass his qualities to another generation? If the answer is no, then don’t get married to him.

Let me stop there for now. Maybe we’ll revisit this topic later, who knows.

This does exhaust all the things to look into before marriage and I don’t claim to know them all. What I’d tell you is read on what others have to say about marriage – be careful though to read and listen to only what will build and add value to your life. Speak to married people you look up to and see how they work theirs out. In short, learn as much as you can.

What you learn may cause you to either stop the relationship you are in or take it to the next level. Leaving is never easy but you would rather leave now that invest the future into someone who is not worthy of your love and time.

Marriage is beautiful and amazing but like any other big decision, it is not something you stumble into. You have to deliberately think about it, prepare for it and even plan for it. I wish you the very best and I case you have questions, I’d be glad to assist wherever I can.

To have and to hold: When NOT to get married- Part 1

Till death do us part is a LONG time to be with someone. This is not one of those things you just jump into.  It is a decision you need to think about long and hard.  Let me say here and now that you cannot be 100% sure that you have made the right decision-you will have doubts in the course of your life. You will sometimes wonder- what if I hadn’t taken this path? However, preparing well now will help you defend your decision to yourself in the future.marriage1

Just like choosing a career path (or any other major decision), we look at all the information we have, we seek help and opinions from people we count on, we pray and then we take a leap of faith and make our decision.

Making an informed choice will definitely keep you grounded especially when (not if) the storms come and it will keep you from killing someone 🙂

Disclaimer 1: The points here are written with ladies in mind because it’s hard to keep saying he/she. Gentlemen, please don’t sweat it 🙂 Kindly read on and see how it applies to you.

Disclaimer 2: I want to say categorically that you cannot change someone. Change is from within – they only change when and because they want to! The way he treats you now is most likely how he will treat when you are married so quit making excuses for him and laying down strategies on how to make him a better person.

What is your motivation for marriage? Here is an insight on when not to get married.

You have low self-esteem:

  • If you are not happy about yourself work on that first. Be proud of what you are good at and confront your flaws. Your spouse can love you deeply but they can never compensate for how poorly you see yourself. Plus, at some point, they will get tired of always trying to validate you (it’s tiring). There is a reason it’s called ‘self’ esteem, no one else can fix it for you.
  • Poor self-esteem will keep you in a bad relationship because you feel you can’t get someone else to love you. I have seen beautiful girls in abusive relationships but unable to leave because they don’t think they deserve better.  I don’t mean just physically abusive, he flirts with other women without reserve even in your presence, speaks to you with disrespect, totally disregards anything you believe in…the list is pretty long. Come on, you deserve better.

Getting pressure from everyone:

  • ‘You two look great together’ is not a valid reason to get married regardless of how many of your friends say it. Please remember it is you who has to live with him and put up with all the not so amazing qualities you friends never seem to mention.
  • Peer pressure will never end-even after you get married, people will pressure you to buy a house, get a car, get a baby… Do things in your own time and let people’s opinions and suggestions remain just that.
  • The biological clock that never stops ticking can also be quite manipulative. I know you want a family soon but it’s also important to like that family when they finally come. Don’t let your mother, aunties and friends who constantly remind you that you are not getting any younger rush you into this major decision.Note to all married people: don’t go rubbing it into people’s faces and tactlessly asking them what is taking so long. Nudging and winking as you say it doesn’t help  🙂

Escaping from problems and unhappiness:

You may have a crazy family but marriage is not a wise way to escape from them. Try moving to a different city or even far away country. The more dysfunctional your home, the more alert you need to be to avoid repeating the mistakes of your parents.

I’ll let you think those through for today. When NOT to get married: Part 2…Coming to you soon

To have and to hold: Introduction

I’d like to thank you for all the amazing feedback you’ve been giving. Some people agree with me others don’t and that is OK – I appreciate your honesty. We do not only grow through compliments, constructive criticism is equally necessary. I’m honored to be learning from you.

I realize I’ve been pretty tough in my previous posts never mind feelings what are the facts and soul mate vs sole mate – finding the one. I don’t mean to disqualify the fact that there is someone special who will make you feel amazing. I have one too 🙂

In this regard, I’d like to talk about the people we love, those we are dating, those we are engaged to and even those we are married to! We need to see the value they add into our lives (if any) and how best to proceed.

to have and to hold2 I’m I getting a raw deal? Does he deserve my love and attention? Am I giving too much? Is this someone I’d marry-or be married to? These are questions everyone (OK, everyone is an extreme, let say most people) asks at some point in life.

Let me use myself as an example. I’ve had many people ask me, why did you get married to Andrew? (Yes, that is the name of my husband). How come you didn’t settle for anyone else?  Just to mention here, I’ve had my fair share of crushes and been in a few relationships.

I’m not talking about those relationships we had when we were young and naïve –assuming now we’re older and wise :-). I’m talking about those people we’ve had in our lives when we are mature and can tell a great connection when we see it.

There are many ways to know you have a keeper. There are equally many red flags to know when to run and not look back.  Till death do us part is a pretty long time to stay with someone so it’s important to get the right person to say that to. Of course there are factors that are out our control like what the future holds and we have to trust that all will be well. Nonetheless, the importance of getting the right person cannot be stressed enough.

to have and to holdThis is the introduction of some things to look into when thinking of taking your relationship to the next, presumably higher level.

To have and to hold: When NOT to marry is coming up soon. Stay tuned -I’ve always wanted to say that 🙂